Corner, featuring Ask the
Oct. 15 2012,
Dear Cutman, I see on
a recent web site update it refers to checking on another site called
'Twitter'. Could you please enlighten us "old school"
Royalamainiacs exactly what "TWITTER" means...I have a
few friends that probably could be classified as twits, but I am
sure they don't have a website, let alone a computer!!
in Twitter world...
in Twitter world;
the fact of the matter is the Cutman is not much of a twitter guy.
The Cutman doesn't have a twitter account and really isn't abreast
of the twitter movement (I love using breast in my Ask the Cutman
columns). I suggest that the "old school Royalamainiacs"
stick to texting, e-mail and telephone. These modes of communication
are tried and true and if you are not comfortable with them, try
smoke signals. Hope this helps you out and I hope to see you around
March 23 2012,
Dear Cutman, Now that
the Hockey Season is over for me, I have a lot of time on my hands.
I have recently been enthralled with the show Finding Bigfoot on
Animal Planet. On a recent episode the BFRO (Bigfoot Field Researchers
Organization) were in hot pursuit of the big fella. They showed
an enhanced thermal image still and upon further review, by myself,
I found it eerily similar to yourself. Be-pedal, hooded nose, 6-8
feet tall, long knuckle dragging arms. You know, a self portrait
every time you look in the mirror. I know you have been known to
disappear for months on end so my question is simple. Are you Bigfoot?
I will be waiting for your response with baited breath. Oh yeah,
good luck in the rest of the PLAYOFFS.
I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.....Cutman
is not Bigfoot. Maybe, if you squinted your eyes and held your head
at a crazy angle and only saw the Bigfoot for a millie second and
you were also drunk and had been lost in the bush without food or
water for a couple of weeks, you might think that you had seen Cutman.
But your mind plays strange tricks on you in this type of situation.
My suggestion to you is to continue hanging out in the bush until
you get definitive proof that Bigfoot does exist. If he does, check
your own family tree, just in case it's a long lost uncle (you know
the one they never talk about). See you around the rink.
January 11 2012,
Dear Cutman, After being
MIA for many years I am heading back to Vietnam for a second "Tour
Of Duty". I'm looking forward to getting in there and mixing
it up, if you know what I mean. Do you have any new intel on what
secret weapons or strategy that 'CHARLIE' might employ to mess with
my mind or my well being? I even hear that they have new uniforms
(Dressed like high Class Call Girls) to distract your attention
from your goal, is this true?? What kind of mental trickery is this?
I know you're the on guy who has waged the "War" all over
this world and I need your help. Thanks.
for some Payback
for some Payback, To
start with, as confusing as your question's are, since I know who
you are and your background "only making it to the 6th grade,
catching up to your dad, and subsequently both of you quitting"
I am looking forward to giving out some advice. "Charlie's"
ability to mess with anyone's mind is just an old wives tale. The
American movie industry has blown this way out of proportion and
I believe that you should not worry (stay out of the opium dens).
You should not worry about 'High Class Hookers' either, you cannot
afford the places where these girls hangout. Soooo, my answer to
you is "stay with what you know" and play safe. Have a
great trip and I'll see you around the rink.
January 1 2012,
Dear Cutman, The constant question asked
around the arenas this year has been the same, 'where is the Cutman?'
So I went to the Internet and Goggled "Cutman". All it
said was the Cutman has taken a sabbatical. Checking further I found
all the great success stories related to the Cutman's past. Then
I stumbled upon a small article referring me to the web site of
the Dalai Lama, spiritual leader of Buddhism. It was an article
about how the Dalai Lama was taking some of his most devoted students
to a remote island off the northern coast Baffin Island for deep
spiritual meditation. A further search found an album of photos
and there was one, I'm sure was you. It was a bit confusing as it
looked like you were Teabowing. What was amazing was the two giant
and ferrous looking polar bears that seemed to be memorized by the
aurora from your body that is visible in the picture. Is Teabowing
something new the Dalai Lama is spreading into.?
Cutman has had to take a step back from hockey because I've been
researching and writing my Doctorate on early child care. I intend
to call my book 'Making you kid the best he/she can be'. When this
project is completed, I'll have some more letters to put after my
name. I'm sorry for the delay in answering your question, as I have
just returned from the Dalai's "Fortress of Solitude"
in the Arctic. There were many World Leaders, Spiritual Leaders
and high up Muckity Mucks in attendance and we spent the 2 week
conference exchanging views and ideas on how we can capitalize on
the Tebowing phenomena. (Urban Dictionary defines
Tebowing - Sexual position. It's a modified doggy style where
the man is on one knee. Named after Tim Tebows tendency to "come
from behind" to win the game. Rick: Dude, I was Tebowing
my girlfriend while watching the game last night!)
Tim, was even available for a break out session, complete with autograph
signing at its announcement from the Dalai Lama in the very near
future. Hope this answers your question and I look forward to seeing
you around the rink.
October 6 2011.
Dear Cutman, I have
notice that you coaching staff and executive are all getting a little
long in the tooth. What is your secret to keeping all these old
codgers so mobile.
coaching staff and executive of the Royals, are under the watchful
eye of the Cutman and his staff from the Kinesiology Department
of Cutman Polytechnic. Have experimented with regiments of the latest
organic holistic herbs and vitamins, dabbled in fitness and exercise
plans and even joined the odd LA Weight Lose clinic. After all the
research was collected and analyzed, I found that only two things
will keep a spring in the step of this motley group of old codgers.
The Dalai Lama told me one day when I was feeling a little under
the weather, he said to me, 'Cutman, what you need is rum and honey,
drink the rum and take the honey to bed'. See you around the rink.
February 9 2011,
Dear Cutman, Our 19
year old daughter is dating one of your Royals players and she says
he also teaches Judo. We are good Christians. Are we wrong in wanting
her to go with people of her own faith.
God teach us to love all living things. Your daughter is very lucky
to be dating a Royal. Which Royal is it? There are only two things
I dislike, religious intolerance and those damn Judoists. Remember
to count your silverware before he leaves your house. Good Luck
and I'll see you around the rink.
January 20 2011,
Dear Cutman, This may
be the strangest request for help you have ever received. I have
a Jack Russell Terrier called Dirty Harry. I sent a letter to the
Westminster Kennel Dog Club with my problem. A Mr. Smyth-Jones replied
by saying he is in awe of your reputation as a breeder of Jack Russell's
and the only person, possibly, in all Western Canada known for being
a Dog Whisper. He advised I contact you. My problem is that every
time my girl friend comes over, Dirty Harry, the little rascal,
wants to mount her leg. I've tried every thing I can think of to
break the habit. My girl friend, who is by the way a Hooters Girl,
says if Dirty Harry doesn't stop, or I don't get rid of him she
will be leaving me. I'd hate for this to happen as I'd really miss
the Dog House
the Dog House; It's
always great to hear from another canine enthusiast and don't be
upset or ashamed with your question, everyone with an intacted male
dog goes through this situation. Jack Russell's are notorious for
their strong will and Jack Russell's also have a very keen sense
of smell. So there are a few things you can try. What I've found
to work is kennel the dog before the girl friend comes over. If
the gf comes over when the frisky mutt is out scold him when he
jumps up on her leg, 'down boy' and smack him with a medium sized
2"x4". As I said before the Jack Russell is a strong willed
dog, so several 'love taps' may be needed. If these procedures do
not work, you can also get the dog neutered (ouch). As a last resort
you can go over to the girl friends place without the dog, but when
you get home the dog will probably have destroyed your place, because
he'd know you were getting some and he wasn't. Good Luck and I'll
see you around the Rink.
2010, Dear Cutman, I
am about to lose my job in the New Year. My only work for the past
several years has been contractual, and the firm will not be renewing
my contract when it expires. I do not consider my self dumb, as
I do have a U of A degree, and I'm a Rhodes Scholar. I have always
thought it would be cool to become a Sports Trainer. Any advise
as to where one would go to become a first rate trainer and Cutman
sorry to hear of your latest dismissal, it's always tough to lose
one's job during the holiday season. My advice to you is take some
time off. Relax, enjoy some hockey, get reacquainted with your wife,
find a hobby, join a knitting group. These are all things that will
take your mind off the fact that you have no money coming in and
you forgot to plan for the future. If you think that the life of
a Cutman is for you, buckle up mister because you're in for a thrill
a minute ride. The sad part is the life of a trainer is not very
secure (ask Ken Lowe) and it also doesn't pay very well (I bring
my paycheck home and the paperboy cashes it for me). I've heard
that the life as a bus driver is very fulfilling and I know someone
who would love to hire you. But if being a Cutman is your ultimate
goal then first check out the calendar at Cutman Polytechnic and
see when the next program starts. See you around the rink.
December 9 2010,
Dear Cutman, I have
been out of the country for a while and just realized the Royals
Christmas Party is upon us. Two questions -1) Am I to late to purchase
my usual table for 8? -2) Who is the head table guest speaker this
Snooze U Loose
back Snooze U Loose, The Christmas Party, promises to
be a sellout again this year. The catering staff are all graduates
from Cutman Polytechnic Culinary School and have been able to set
up one more table for you. Thank god, the graduates of CPCS are
also masters of Feng Shui. The only problem is the table will be
at the back of the hall, next to the kitchen entrance. If this was
the Christmas Dinner at your home, you'd be at the kiddies' table.
This years motivational speaker will be world renowned "Christmas
Bottle" pyramid scheme inventor, Angus Love. Angus' talk will
be as entertaining as it is informative, Soooo, if I don't see you
at the rink, We'll catch up at the Christmas Party.
2010, Dear Cutman, I
was once a coach in the CJHL. I had to give up my position when
they implemented that coach's must wear helmets came into effect.
I found that there were blue stains in the foam of my helmet, but
most of all I found that doing radio interviews with messy hair
was not acceptable. I noticed that any time the Royals scored 6
goals, and they hold the other team below 6, they almost always
win. I have also noticed that good teams win more often than teams
that are not so good. Why is this? Or is this because of your ability
to get player's back skating quickly after injuries? I am also looking
for an assistant Coach position such as your Assistant coach Russ
has, but so far I have not been very successful. Do the Royals have
any openings, or do you know of where I might apply. I would like
to know what the Royals secret of success is, so some day, when
I become a head coach, I can use the ROYALS plan to be a topnotch
coach, like the Royals have.
I hope you can answer all my concerns.
hope you are not upset with me shortening your name. Having your
hair dyeing agent come off in your helmet, could have been easily
remedied. Cutman Polytechnic's Barber School has a product for hair
coloring that is state of the art, it's made with the same ingredients
as barn paint and is guaranteed to stay on for decades. Combine
this with a hair net from the Cutman's Polytechnic's Culinary School
and your hair would look good in the middle of Hurricane Katrina.
King Spiney, your grasp of hockey at its most rudimentary level
is incredible. How someone with your knowledge isn't coaching in
the Show is beyond me. All I can say is keep plugging along, an
opportunity will present itself. Remember it has to be the right
fit for you....don't compromise your values or integrity. Regarding
Owner Russ, yes I said Owner. Russ is a hands on owner, he's a micro
managing owner, he's the kind of owner who won't ask anyone to do
something unless he has already done it. Russ started out with the
Royals as an assistant to the guy who sweeps out the players box
prior to games. Russ spent his time watching and learning, Russ
spent more time volunteering for any job that the Royals needed
taken care of. Then one sunny spring day in Maple Ridge, British
Columbia, at the 2002 Keystone Cup, the Royals held a press conference
announcing Russ Scott as the new owner of the Edmonton Royals. Since
that memorable day the Royals have never looked back, in the words
of Russ Scott "Why look back, we've already been there".
Thanks for your question, hope to see you around the rink.
2010, Dear Cutman, A
lot of time has passed since I last wrote to you. I have noticed
that Coach Sirovyak has been conspicuous by his absence of late.
have asked around to some very knowledgeable people, and I'm getting
all kinds of feed back as to where he is. Some are saying he is
down in Toronto taking a Sports Management course in hopes of taking
control of the Royal. Others are saying he is competing, and is
in first place, in the CFBR. (Canadian Finals Bus Rodeo) While others
are saying he is away on an all-inclusive, FREE, all expenses paid
Convention & Seminar. Could you corroborate the whereabouts
of Coach John, and can the Royals skid of late be a consequence
of Coach John's absence on the bench.
on Route #21
on Route #21; Those
are all good speculations on the whereabouts of Big John Sarovtar.
One thing is certain the smell in the coach's room and on the bench
is a lot more tolerable. The answer to your question is John is
at the CFBR or Canadian Finals Bus Rodeo. John is having the rodeo
of his life and is a lock for the All Around Bus Driver Buckle or
AABDB. With the rodeo almost half way through John is atop the money
leader board. John has won the "Stop, go, stop, go" or
Passenger Jostling event (John actually set a Canadian record in
this event). We shouldn't be surprised at John's driving prowess,
be was born in the backseat of a Greyhound bus, roll'in down highway
41. The entire Royals Nation wish John the best of luck over the
next 2 days of competition and await his return to the Royal bench.
October 29 2010,
Dear Cutman, I just
read on the Royals News (Coaches Corner) where this was the worst
day of the year "no more shorts", tell
him to man up and grow a pair. Fed-ex guys and postes wear shorts
year round, and I've seen Angus Love, on many occasions looking
splendid in his kilt on much colder days than this. I guess there
is no question here, just a comment, but I'd like to hear your opinion,
if it gets past the editor.
is Angus Love doing these days?
have made some very insightful observations, a person with your
skill set would make a great addition to the Royals scouting staff.
I think what Scott was ultimately grumbling about, was not having
to put away his extra fine short pants collection, but the sticks
he uses to play his 2nd favorite game in the world. Now the only
game of golf he will get to enjoy is when he and his family depart
for their annual warm weather holiday.
Love, I was able to meet up with the worldly Mr. Love on Labour
Day last September, in Whistler, BC. Angus regaled our group with
many of his International tales of daring-do. I didn't know this
but Angus Love is on every one of the G20 leader's speed dial and
all though he was never seen (because Angus is a master of disguise),
his presence at the conference in Toronto saved the world from the
start of World War III. So between A L's participation on the world
political stage or his consulting work with such Hi-Tech motion
pictures and McGruber, I don't know when Angus gets time to nap.
Next time I see Angus, I'll pass on your regards.
October 8 2010,
Dear Cutman, First off
let me start by saying how glad we all are to see you behind the
bench again this year. Rumor had it that the Oilers, upon the dismissal
of their trainers had you on a very short list. We heard that the
Royals Owner, and CEO, also has very deep pockets and was able to
negotiate a last minute contract with your agent for the next 4
Now for a more
serious matter. As the Head Dean at Cutman Polytechnic School of
Radiology, and most eminent and highly respected trainer in Canada.
After many years of playing hockey and a number of Pub Crawls, and
some Bowling, I have a very wonky knee. My Dr. has asked for a number
of X-rays, of which one is called a 3 foot standing film. As I only
have 2 feet, where does the third come from (Wink, wink, nudge nudge).
Would it be a safe bet to wear new clean underwear, and are there
any chances side effects such as ED, a/o Impotencies afterwards.
you for the very kind words, but if the truth be known, I would
have signed my contract at a hometown discount. Reliving my miss
spent youth and rather suspect hockey career through each years
new crop of Royals is payment enough. Now for your great question,
when Wilhelm Conrad Rontgen invented x-rays in 1895, little did
he know the powerful diagnostic image tool he had on his hands.
At that years office Christmas party, the big gag was to take x-rays
images of the drunken party goers packages and arses and unfortunately
years later Rontgen and his staff were unable to produce swimmers
that swam. Their sperm did not even tread water. So my advice to
you is, the only underwear you should be wearing for your x-ray,
be made out of lead.
2010, Dear Cutman, When
the Swallows return to Capistrano, it is officially spring time.
Could you please tell me what Buzzards on your lawn means in September.
Picture to come
P.S. Is it legal
to shoot them?
can only imagine the fear and disbelief that you must have felt
when you first saw that huge Venue of Vultures on your lawn. Vultures
or buzzards as you call them are a necessary part of our environment,
they devour carrion and rotting flesh removing the chance of the
spread of disease, not to mention the smell that is associated with
dead carcasses. But a little known fact about our venerating vultures...
they love a good party. While circling high in the sky looking and
waiting for something to die, they can also recognize when someone
is going to have a party, and if that person is really old, who
knows, it might become a twofer. Party and meal. So please don't
be distressed by the Wake of Buzzards appearance. They're clean,
quiet and don't make much of a mess (not like inviting a Drove of
Royalamaniacs to your party). Sooooo Bewildered, be thankful you
have the Buzzards and not the Round Bellies on your front lawn.
Happy Birthday Big Guy.
2009, Dear Cutman, I
would like to chime in on the recent post and reply by FCF (Fashion
Conscious Fan). If this rule does come into existence, we all know
that your so called chapeau will NOT pass the very stingy CSA rules
of safety. We have all seen the size of your dome and I would recommend
that Cutman Polytechnic's Research and Development Dept. do some
reverse engineering on the bucket seen below:
Picture to come
I feel that
this would be the perfect fit and offer the greatest amount of protection
available for the Cutman's head. Anyways, I will be traveling the
outback for the next 3 weeks with the pygmy's learning how to hunt
king browns with a poison dart gun. I want to wish ALL the current
Royals the best of luck for the rest of the hockey season.
I'm sorry to say that the Famous Gazoo helmet, made popular in the
Flintstone cartoon series, was proven to be structurally unsafe,
after a lighting unit fell on Gazoo's head during a rehearsal at
the Hanna & Barbara studios in 1965. Writer Ralph Goodman's
story line had to be quickly altered to account for the Great Gazoo's
absents from the series while he recovered from his injuries in
an Intergalactic Hospital. Cutman Polytechnic is working on a new
CSA approved lid that is both protective and functional.
Picture to come
fun in the Outback...but if you find any pygmy's, you're on the
wrong continent (unless you mean the Outback Steakhouse).
November 2 2009,
Dear Cutman, At a recent
game in Confederation I noticed in the second period you were basically
standing next to the opposition trainer. He had a very new looking
CCM helmet on, while you, the always debonair and polished gentleman,
had on a very sharp looking homburg. My question, is wearing of
helmets a new league rule, and are you wearing a special Royals
Wear CSA Approved impact resistant piece of headgear.
(Fashion Conscious Fan)
was also admiring the opposing trainer's headwear. I personally
feel the lid he was wearing was a little undersized and I wondered
to myself, what size of shoe horn did he use to pry that bonnet
off and on. As to your question, I am not aware of any league rule
requiring coaching staff and trainers to wear CSA protective headwear
during a league game. If that rule does come into existence, I am
confident that my chapeau will pass the very stringent safety codes
of the CSA. I do have a bit of an advantage because Cutman Polytechnic's
Research and Development Dept. is a Government of Canada CSA testing
site. Like Archie "The Stomper" Goldie
would tell Ed Whalen when asked if his Lumberjack Boots were legal
to wrastle in..."Ed you little parasite, these boots have been
passed by the APWA". End of story.
Sept. 3 2009,
Dear Cutman, Fourteen
years ago I was honored by the Edmonton Royals and the Canadian
Scottish Sociality with an offspring from Molly the Lamb. My lamb,
Holly, has given me great pleasure and enjoyment over the years.
As I have a new lamb this year I was wondering if there was anyone
on the staff that might be worthy of the gift of a UWE in this up
on the arrival of your spring lamb. I remember Holly, she was very
cute, but just a little undersized (she was the runt of the litter).
The average life span of a sheep is about 12 years, although they
have been known to live as long as 17. Holly is in her golden years
now and may not be able to adjust to a new family environment and
routine. I suggest that you make her time left as comfortable as
possible. This may require deflating her regularly and massaging
her with baby oil, to keep her skin smooth and supple. Having a
older ewe around will be handy during the transition period of breaking
in the new lamb. Good luck and I'll see you around the rink.
June 11 2009,
Dear Cutman, Had a chance
to see you out on the golf course, you were, the best dressed, golfer-guy,
my???? is. Was that the summer 2009 collection of ROYAL GEAR"
and where do you get that "GEAR"?
you for noticing. The Royal Gear that the Royals have designed and
ordered every year is produced in limited quantity, making it highly
coveted by fashion collectors world wide. Unfortunately this years
selection is now depleted. Please keep in close contact with the
Cutman, the Royals Vice President of Hockey Operations, Style, Deportment
and Attire, as to when the new 2009/10 Royals Gear will be hitting
the fashion runways of London, New York, Paris and Milan. Right
now, I'm interviewing super models Kate Moss and Gracie Carvalho,
to walk the runway wearing the new Royals Gear at the Pre-Fall show
in Milan. These negotiations are quite time consuming, but I feel
it my duty to insure that the Royals are properly represented on
the International fashion scene. Thanks
again for the question and I'll see you around the rink and the
March 11 2009,
Dear Cutman, Is there
any truth to the rumor that Side Show Bob is in Florida to try and
stop a hostile takeover of the Royals by the cross town Miami Retirement
Show is in Florida to take part in the CJHL's General Managers Meeting.
The CJ is looking at some minor rule changes, a couple of expansion
team applications and to quell the rumors of the Royals moving to
Florida. Albeit, this retirement home is full of snowbirds and Royalamaniacs
and they truly miss their Junior 'B' hockey, but the cost to move
an Edmonton based team like the Royal to Florida is far more than
they want to pay. There is a rumor that a Southeast Edmonton Junior
'B' team (with a lower market value), has expressed an interest
to move their team out of a Barhead league and head south. Side
Show has seen a short, rotund, big bellied fella wearing a fedora
and driving a 1986 Plymouth Volare, nosing around the Florida retirement
home. So all I can tell you is "Time will Tell". Thanks
for your question and I'll see you around the rink.
ALL THOSE WHO THOUGHT THE CUTMAN WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS:
don't pay the ransom... I've escaped. As
some of you may know, Mrs. Cutman is expecting a little Cutman in
March 2009, just in time for the CJHL Championships. But what you
may not be aware of is Cutman has been working overtime to fill
a void in Alberta Health Care system. The Cutman has found a real
need for Midwives (professional people to assist in the delivery
of babies). Firstly, it meant setting up a Midwifery Technology
at Cutman Polytechnic, finding creditable professors and the necessary
space and resources to provide the highest quality, program available.
Secondly, starting a company for these new graduates to apply the
newly learn skills. Thirdly, getting the new company... "Midwives
'R' Us" off the ground and ready to trade on the new York Stock
Exchange. Now things are progressing along and I'm finding the time
to get to your letters to Ask the Cutman. I'm going to answer all
your questions in this one E-mail.
asked it he slept through his birthday celebration or are saving
up for the BIG one next year? Well Phantom I believe that 49 is
not the Big one (50 is the Big one), so you must have slept through
HANDS asked is there some new technology in hand protection to stop
cuts and steel slivers and still keep the hands slip free? sore
Hands, the latest from Cutman Polytechnic on hand protection is
a leather form fitting deerskin glove, infused with a space aged
polymer coating to repel oil and grease and all the while providing
a vise like grip. These revolutionary gloves have not hit the market
yet, so look for them in a "Gloves 'R' Us" near you soon.
asked if the Cutman knew where tickets would be on sale for the
Ruptash/Vanderham number raising, he also asked for some words of
wisdom to help both his wife and himself though the long nights
ahead they are expecting when their new baby arrives? Well Ruptown
ticket sales and distribution were handled through "Tickets
'R' Us" and subsidiary of "Midwives 'R' Us". As far
as how to get though the very tiring days and nights of raising
a new family...good luck.
IN ASIA asks if Cutman can in lighten the readers with a few uses
for Tiger Balm. Actually Warm in Asia, Cutman doesn't use or promote
the use of Tiger Balm. Cutman Polytechnic and my crack team of researchers
(the world's leading botanist, chemist and the cutest darn pharmacist
you've ever seen) have developed the incredible SCRUB (Super Cutman
Rub). All you do with the SCRUB is "Rub it on where it hurts"
and the pain goes away. If you want to know what to use Tiger Balm
for ask someone in Thailand or Vietnam.
again I'm sorry for the delay in answering these questions and I'll
endeavor to answer new questions in a timely manner. In the words
of the Midwifery Technology motto.... tear up some clean sheets
and boil some water, STAT.
Sawadeecrup Cutman, As I travel through Thailand
and Vietnam I have learned of many new uses for one of your old
favorites, Tiger Balm. Could you share with your readers a few of
these uses that they might not be aware of?
9/08 Dear Cutman, I was wondering when the tickets
would be going on sale for the Ruptash/Vanderham Jersey Number Raising
Ceremony @ Confederation? Also I would personally like to congratulate
you on the news that you are once again becoming a Father. My wife
and I too are expecting and were wondering if you could offer us
any words of wisdom to help us get through the long nights ahead?
Please wish all the Boys and Coaching Staff a very merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year.
luck in the second half.
oh where is the answer?????
26/08 Dear Cutman, Recently I have been getting lots
of cuts on my hands and steel slivers. Now I know that the Cutman
doesn't really like to wear gloves for the most part, but I was
wondering if you had any suggestions of how to protect my hands
from the abuse they receive day in and day out. Perhaps there has
been some breakthrough research @ Cutman Polytechnic in hand protection.
They would have to be slip free Because they would get covered in
grease and resistant to cutting (from what I hear that is your specialty).
I would appreciate it if you could respond in
a timely manner, because I shouldn't be out here working much longer.
oh where is the answer???
12/08 Dear Cutman, It
seems like the last 48 years there was a great Sept. Birthday party.
Did I sleep through this years addition or are we saving up for
the BIG one next year???
oh where is the answer???
Feb. 6/08 Dear
Cutman, I looked at last years stats and
Kory Ebel seemed to show up to at least half the games, but this
year he is no where to be found. I heard he was a "BAND-AID"
and, "PLAYS WITH THE PUCK TO MUCH" kind of player. I hope
not cuz a friend of my friend's mom's dad's son said that he might
be back in action. If so what would u advise he do to get back into
(if that is your real name),
Well, Kory is the quintessential Royal. Played hard every night
and bleeds black and green. Last year Kory had a job that did not
allow him to play as much as he or the coaching staff would have
liked. But, I'm sure you are aware of the Royals mission statement
<which is much to long to type in>, and let me say that some
of our youth have decided to enter the work force, rather than school
and they deserve the same consideration. Kory has never been a "band-aid",
Kory is a Royalamaniac who expects the very best from himself and
his teammates. Sometimes this may have caused him to over handle
the puck and oh well. Royals are strong because of all the Royalamaniacs
in the stands, on the ice, across the country and around the world
and Kory is just one of a multitude. Oh ya start running, lots,
and maybe some push ups.
Jan. 15/08 Dear
Cutman, As my grasp of the Thai language
is rather pathetic I will turn to you for some medical advice. The
mosquitos here in Thailand are ruthless, they attack without fear
and remorse, My legs are covered in little red bumps and they itch
like crazy. I've tried Singhai beer, Tiger beer, San Miguel beer
and even Kloster beer. What would you recommend I try next. I toss
and turn all night and my "Bar Fines" are getting pretty
pissed off with me. They are even threatening to leave early. Please
help me. GO ROYALS!
sounds like you're in a terrible predicament. I suggest you hire
a little scratcher for a few Baht a night to tend to your tender
tootsies. With a little luck, your hire hand will take care of anything
else that pops up. Good luck and we'll see you around the rink.
Dear Cutman, Just a
quick note to say thank-you for your reference to the Royals private
doctor, for my son, a Seera Midget hockey player. On the same day
my son was to be fitted for a 6 week cast on his fractured wrist,
you were able to get your private doctor to take a look at his wrist.
He fitted my son with a light weight/compact cast and asked him
to come back in 7 days for a recheck. It seems the x-rays showed
no signs of a fracture, but if there is still pain after 7 days
then a small bone may be fractured. If no pain in seven days then
the cast will be removed and hockey/school is back on. Go figure!!!!
I arrived home last night after bantam evaluations and my son came
into my office (garage) and the smile on his face is back as well
as the bounce in his step, it was great to see. This once again
shows that being a Royalamaniac has its privileges, and all that
late night, trash talk, with coach Scotty in my office does pay
off, contrary, to what the wife says. HAIL TO THE CUTMAN!!!!
are welcome. The Cutman's credo and the motto of Cutman Polytechnic
"haud Royalamaniac ero unus" (no Royalamaniac will
be alone) is what I live by. I will do anything in my power to help
a Royalamaniac. I would also like to thank you for all the volunteer
work you do for minor hockey and the youth of Edmonton (Go Outlaws).
Thank you and Good Luck.
Dear Cutman, I couldn't
help but notice that the itinerary for the 2007/08 training camp
has been somewhat prepared. It is to my understanding that this
camp is extremely competitive with talented superstars coming from
all over the world and screaming fans filling the bleachers night
in and night out. As my dreams begin to intensify and my focus narrows
in on the fast approaching dates, I realize that I must begin to
get ready. I have been told that you are an expert on monitoring
and maintaining the superior physical health of the Royals, so it
is you who I have come to seek advice. Over the course of the next
four months, what should I do to best prepare myself physically,
mentally, and psychologically for the challenging task that lies
receive at least one of these type of questions every springtime.
I don't know if it's the melting of the snow and ice and the realization
that the season is over or if it's because there's a feeling that
sooooo, many things were left undone from the previous season and
we don't want that to happen again. Coming into training camp; in
shape and ready, is important to every Royalamaniac. For example
the coaches go through a rigorous off season. We must scout perspective
watering holes to conduct our post game analyses. This includes
sampling their wares and adjudicating their purveyors of same. You
can always tell how good the off season scouting went by the coaches
girth (the coaching staff like to be in midseason form on the first
day of training) and this should be your mantra. All Royalamaniacs
should be in midseason form on the first day of camp. As I have
replied in previous Cutman Corner columns, Dragon Boat Racing and
Putt Bo are 2 great ways to stay fit during the off season. Anything
that makes you sweat and keeps your mind sharp will do the trick.
Good Luck and I'll see you in August.
Dear Cutman, Mmmmmmmmm!
Why is it some people put their mouth in motion, before putting
their brain in gear?
is it better to appear a fool, then, open your mouth and remove
all doubt? At Cutman Polytechnic, Sociological Department, Dr. Phil
is heading my crack staff of the world's leading Chemist, Botanist,
the cutest darn pharmacist you've ever seen, to try to answer your
age old question. This study is far from being completed, but the
early test results are quite stunning. The study has found that
there is a group of people, in society, that suffer from delusions
of grander. This same group of people also believe that continually
hollering, yelling and degrading a person, will make that person
come over to your side (the dark side), because this person
really likes the abuse. The strangest result that has come out of
this study so far is, the group of people most exhibiting these
characteristics, all live in the "hood". Thank you for
your question and I hope to see you around the rink.
Cutman, I heard that you are going to do a
similar column called "Ask the Cutman" for a local volleyball
club. Does that mean you've gone gay?
As a Syndicated
advice columnist, I'm bound to a strict set of rules and guide lines.
The integrity of the advice columnist code is paramount. The 1st
thing you learn at "Cutman Polytechnic" Advice Column
Technology, is never and I mean never, answer or give advice to
a question that is unsigned. I'm sorry, but when the Cutman took
the Advice Givers Oath, I swore on a stack of bibles and a 8 x 10
glossy of Erma Bombeck, to adhere to these hallowed rules and guidelines.
Dear Cutman; Many great
goals were scored in the first ever Kali's Game. Maybe the goaltending
was a bit off, Dan the goalie looked a bit like a frenchman... Who
was that in net? Rumors of Royalamaniacs returning to form not only
on the ice but in the dressing room. How can the Royals of today,
and the future turn that devastating defeat to the alumni Royals
into success in future Kali's Games? What was in their waterbottles???
Can Royals of past, present, and future coexist on the same ice
with only one winner? Oh, what is the Cutman's Christmas beverage
during the holiday season? And once I'm in the holiday spirit (after
a few too many pops) is it OK to think only about things like Russian
the losing team
the first ever Kali's game. I thought it was great. In the Cutman's
eyes there were no losers. The alumni Royals look like they haven't
lost a step....except, Blair has forgotten how to pass, Hollie has
forgotten how to backcheck and Tee has forgotten how to stop a puck.
Lover looks like he's the only alumni Royal that has been playing
a highly competitive level of hockey and has continued his commitment
to keeping his body in the finest shape, without the use of steroids.
The organizing committee has already started working on next years
game. Tickets will be going on sale next spring. This event will
promises to be the social gala of 2007 with all proceeds going to
the Cutman's favorite charity, Cutman's Abode For Bad Girls. Soooo,
remember to leave the 3rd Thursday of December 2007 open. Hope to
see you around the rink and have a safe and Happy New Year. Your
Dear Cutman; It has
been a long time that I have been wondering, but last year in the
playoffs somehow the 21 year olds on your team received "ANONYMOUS"
blue synergy's. I was thinking that really we may have to thank
this "ANONYMOUS" man for the success that was brought
by these blue synergy's! So my question to you is... can you reveal
whom this "ANONYMOUS" backer of the Royal is?
of the Royal Magic
Cutman is unaware of who this mystery person is, but maybe we can
deduce the identity of this person or persons, together. Firstly,
you are assuming that this person is a guy. Could the "ANONYMOUS"
backer be a group of people. Maybe a retirement community in Southern
Florida. Maybe a retirement community of Alberta snowbirds who miss
their favorite sport. Maybe a retirement community who are building
a "state of the art" arena and are looking for a hockey
team to play is it. A team this group can call their own. Maybe
a retirement community that felt a gift of expensive hockey sticks
might show everyone that they are genuine. I know the Royal's owner
(our own international Man of Mystery), has always said the Royals
are not for sale, but who can explain his 2 resent trips
to Florida. Who can explain his absence at the arena. All the Cutman
knows is, there is something afoot, something doesn't smell right,
something's fishy. All we can do is wait for an announcement. The
only other explanation the Cutman has....maybe Scotty found them
on the side of the road on his way to the arena. Stranger things
have happened. Thanks for the question, see you around the rink.
Dear Cutman; I have
been wondering the last couple days how you get your astonomic task
of being the"CUTMAN". I mean you have your "CUTMAN"
bag, your "CUTMAN" shoes and even a "CUTMAN"
table. But recently it has been brought to my attention that the
"CUTMAN" vise has been M.I.A. So my question to you is
how a man of your talents and extreme abilities do without such
a corner stone tool like a vise?
that is your real name, what the heck does astonomic mean? If you
mean astronomic task, well it might seem like that to the outsider,
the fans in the stands, the dude driving the Zamboni or the league
exec's in their ivory towers. The Cutman does what the Cutman does
and the Cutman doesn't need a vise. The vise threw the Cutman table
out of balance. The vise made the Cutman table hard to store. The
vise was more trouble than it was worth. The vise is now being used
as a boat anchor and it's doing a fabulous job. The Cutman has a
vise-like grip (which you will attest to if you've ever shaken the
Cutman's hand), that con be used in hundreds of different positions
(the vise can only be used in one position). Soooooo,I hope I've
answered your question and have finally put this vise controversy
to bed. Hope to see you around the rink.
Dear Cutman, I have
a question to ask of you. I have noticed that all City of Edmonton
rinks now have defibrillators installed. Question, do the Royals
have their own and if not how would the Cutman revive someone, if
is a rink that is not so equipped? With all the OLD GEEZERS on
the bench, I'm sure the day is not IF but WHEN will you need one.
about our elders
Cutman does not have such a device in his arsenal, but when I do
my pre game risk assessment of the facility and the Cutman bag,
I make sure my stock of 9 volt batteries are fully charged. I have
found that if you put 12 - 9 volt batteries in series and lick the
positive and negative connectors, it will give you a big enough
jolt to kick start your heart and give you that curly perm you've
always wanted. Your tongue may be a little sore for awhile, but
with your heart beating again and that classy new coiffeur, it's
all worth it. As far as OLD GEEZERS on the bench, there is only
1 really old guy on the bench and if you compare his age to the
pyramids in Egypt or the life of a star in the night sky, he's really
quite young. Thanks for the question and I'll see you around the
rink. Your Pal.
Dear Cutman, I know
that a lot of Love was put into "Packing the Pail" on
Thursday but it was short of your skillful art of doing so. My question
to you Cutman is. What is your secret to having all of them fit
into the pail and thus creating the "Perfectly Packed Pail".
technique of packing the pail has been refined over many, many years.
Firstly, I must tell you that there is a 6 month course at 'Cutman
Polytechnic' called "Packing the Perfect Pail". My crack
team of researchers (the world's leading botanist, chemist and the
cutest darn pharmacist you've ever seen) teach this intensive program
and will teach how to pick the perfect pail, they will try to answer
the age old question "Slush or Powder"?, which part of
the Zamboni hopper has the best snow, they will teach you to do
the calculations needed to layer the correct number of cans in the
pail (for both the regular and the tall boy), Josh Klausen will
teach how to create an Arctic low pressure zone in the pail to keep
the cans at the perfect temperature. As you can see there are many
factors and techniques involved in packing the perfect pail. Soooo,
I suggest you apply to attend the next semester at 'Cutman Polytechnic',
where a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
Dear Cutman, I too have
noticed this odor in the official home barn of the Royal. It seems
to me I have smelled it else where, but I just can't put a finger
on it. Is there any thing in the big blue bag that, if not get rid
of it, at least mask it. I'm sure you are giving the players something
to settle their immune systems down. You may have to tell the rest
of us what it is so we can prepare ourselves on game nights.
olfactory senses are working 100%. There is a noticeable smell in
the Royals official barn. A smelly, smell! A smell similar to a
spineless jellyfish or anchovies. This smell is rumored to be the
reason a certain arena, in the hood, has been shut down. Barring
fumigation, the only remedy would be to buy a set of swimming nose
plugs from the Confederation pool personnel. I have mobilized my
crack team of the world's leading chemists, botanists and the cutest
pharmacist you ever seen, to start working on a personal deodorizer,
for the Royal faithful. This product will not just mask the smelly,
smell, but eliminated it. "Stench-be-Gone" will be available
in fine stores soon and it will make a great stocking stuffer for
Christmas. Sooooo, if you happen to fall in the North Saskatchewan
or watch a Royals home game, "Stench-be Gone" will eliminate
that awful river smell. Hope to see you at the rink.
May 31/06 Dear
Cutman, How many changes of cloths should
a guy take with him when he goes golfing? Is it true that you are
also an expert in the art of mud sliding?
guy with a big bag
you've golfed in Alberta, you know if you don't like the weather....just
wait 5 minutes. Sooooo, being properly attired for golf can be quite
perplexing. The Cutman has been working with a top notch clothing
designer on his own line of golf clothing (look for this line in
a golf store near you). These clothes fold up so small you can carry
several shirts and an extra pair of pants that have zip off legs,
in your Cutman Utility Belt. This line of clothing is revolutionary
in concept and design. Soooo, when you're waiting for the weather
to break on the 6th tee box and decide to do a little mud sliding
or you're just clumsy and fall in a water hazard looking for someone
else's ball, (or club) you've got some spare clothes. Thanks for
your question and remember to keep your head down. P.S. Look
for other Cutman clothing lines in fancy men's shops soon. Tux in
a Cutman Utility Belt, Kilt in a Cutman Utility Belt and 3 Piece
Suit in a Cutman Utility Belt.
Dear Cutman: During
my time spent with the Royals I have noticed that besides being
incredibly talented on the ice, the players and staff are riddled
with other natural endowments such as singing, two fisted drinking,
head banging, popcorn making, chili eating and cherry picking. Legend
has it some Royals can even deflect full cups of coffee with their
heads! Is this something that you scout for in the off season? Can
it make or break a player wanting to join the team?
Non Bus Person
Royal try to recruit well rounded players (not the same kind of
roundness as the coaching staff). This recruiting is a 24/7 project.
We are constantly on the look out for Royal material. It maybe as
easy as talking to a player at a football game or hearing from a
out of town Royalamaniac, telling us about someone who is coming
to Edmonton to go to school. We Just recruit good young men who
are honest and trust themselves and their teammates and the rest
as they say "is history - in the making". The only thing
that can make or break a player, is the player. I hope this answered
your questions and I look forward to seeing around the arena.
April 4/06 Dear
Cutman, First off, a huge congrats to
the Royals for once again hoisting the CJHL Championship trophy.
Only one night and word has spread that a new kind of Royal victory
lap has been born. However, there has been one question on my mind,
and the Cutman, being a competitive perfectionist and rather superstitious,
may be the only one who can answer it. Any student of history will
tell you that history seems to repeat itself. The last time the
Royals captured the League Championship, it was also on the Big
Ice of Clareview Arena. And so I have to ask the Cutman if he knows
something the rest of us Royalamaniacs don't? Is there secretly
a can of Old Mill buried at center ice, like the 2002 Olympics?
Or maybe, there really is something extra in the famous Royals
Glue that the Cutman dispenses? Could it be that dragon boating
isn't the only Asian tradition the Cutman has picked up? Does the
Cutman secretly practice Feng Shui to rid the dressing room negative
energy and provide good fortune and long life? Or did he have the
Dalai Lama bless his lucky Tim Hortons cup while he was spelunking
in Tibet? Or, Cutman, is it simply that nobody can handle the Royal
Speed on the Big Ice, not even the home team!?
a fellow who was going to ask 1 question, there sure is a lot of
question marks in your Dear Cutman. The victory lap will go down
in Royalamaniac folklore (reminiscent of the movie Slap Shot). Whatever
the land of Royalamaniacs don't know, the Cutman does. The Royal
have been unable to bury Old Mil cans under the ice of city arenas
(a special bylaw passed by City Council in 1999). But, there are
Old Mill pull tabs (courtesy of all the Royalamaniacs watching the
Royals) hidden in all arenas. The glue (that's whatever is in your
glass) that binds the Royals, is a state of mind, a mind set that
knows 'speed kills'. The Royals have been practicing Feng Shui (the
Chinese art or practice of positioning objects, especially graves,
buildings, furniture and hockey players based on a belief in patterns
of yin and yang and the flow of chi that have positive and negative
effects) for many, many years. As you know, the Royals have been
positioning hockey players on the ice (since the beginning of time),
that have a negative effect on all opposing teams. The Dalai Lama
has the Cutman on speed dial. We converse regularly on many issues
(being the spiritual leader of Buddhism, weighs heavy on the Dalai
and he often likes to just kick back, call me and just talk Royals
hockey). Angus Love is in Tibet right now trying to get the Dalai
to take the weekend off and come to Grande Prairie. If anyone can
get the Dalai Lama to come to the Provincials, it's Angus. #35,
you know and I know nobody can handle the Royals speed (on big ice
of small).... period. Hope you make it up to Grande Prairie, maybe
we can tell some old bus ride stories over a nice, cold glass of
Dear Cutman, I'm a long
time reader first time writer, I have been known as the #1 Royalamaniac
and I was wondering. What do you think is the best mixture to have
in my water bottle for the game on Saturday night to help the boys
end the series??? Oh yeah and you look amazing in those pictures
at the Bullet.
always great to hear from long time Royalamaniacs. I have had George
(the Royals expert on bringing contraband into all sorts of places)
chairing a committee made up of the world's leading chemists, doctors,
botanists and the cutest damn pharmacist you've ever met, researching
this question. It has been an arduous and time consuming project
and they are just finalizing and compiling their study results.
These double blind tests were conducted under the strictest guidelines
set down by NASA (National Arcane Spirits Association). The few
meetings I've had with the research team has yielded some pretty
amazing information. First, the type of spirit used, should be devoid
of any smell (a grain spirit is preferred, but you can live dangerously
and drink Southern Comfort if you wish). Second, the spirit should
be contained in a inconspicuous canister (perhaps a hip flask, George's
favorite - tiny sample bottles or a Royal classic - a mickey stuffed
into a mitt/glove with the neck of the mickey sticking out the finger
hole and the mitt part covering up said finger). If your hands are
big enough one mitt/glove thingy can accommodate two mickeys (this
gives you a choice of beverages and would really impress the fellow
Royalamaniacs in your section). As far as the mixture of the bottle
goes, many Royals carry in the straight goods and discreetly mix
in the stands using a tightly huddled group of Royals for cover
or a folded game program to disguise you actions. Have fun at the
game Saturday ...... Confed should be ROCK'IN.
Dear Cutman, Just wondering
if the Cutman is able to repair the ROYALS damaged ego after being
beat 5 games in a row by a lowly bunch of nobodies in the Beaumont
Chiefs who do not have a single player in the top 30 scoring for
the regular season and have been winning most playoff games, by
only a slim margin of the scoreboard, night in and night out.
bunch of nobodies", I think you should give your team a little
bit of credit. The Chiefs are a hard working bunch of players. The
Cutman is good at repairing broken skates, torn shoulder pads, ripped
gloves and stretched ligaments. The Cutman has repaired the odd
goalie pad, helmet, broken hand and cut eyebrow. But the Cutman
is more than a equipment repair guy, a get the injured player off
the ice and repair him quickly guy. The Cutman is a supplier of
the glue, a counter of players and yes a repairer of damaged egos,
but there are no damaged egos in land of Royalamaniacs. The last
time I checked the playoff format, the semifinals are a best of
7. Sooooo, I will see you at the rink tonight, come up and say hi.
Feb. 23/06 Dear
Cutman, Me and the Boyz were sitting around
having a few road pops after the 3-2 win over the Regals. We noticed
how quickly you are to the aid of injured Royals and the amazing
quick return to the ice of said players. We were also discussing
the helmet cams the international referees are using and wondered
if the Cutman would ever consider to be wired and wear a toque cam.
We all thought this would be a great learning tool for all apprentice
Cutmen out there. With a segment for pre game, game and post game,
you could narrate your treatments etc. With your good looks, wit
and charisma, this no doubt would lead to a documentary at the least
and probably your very own reality series. (Stitch or No Stitch!)
great to hear from a seasoned, die hard Royalamaniacs like yourself.
Getting on and off the ice quickly is the Cutman's trade mark, thanks
to the Cutman's specially designed "Cutman Spikey Rubbers"
(these are not available in stores yet and are not ribbed for her
pleasure). If a Royal is down, speed is of the essence, repair the
Royal on the ice or have him taken to the Cutman room. Either way,
the Royals do it quickly and safely. Nothing slows down the flow
of a game like watching a player, face down like he has his tongue
stuck to the ice and waiting for 2 or more players to help guide
the trainer out to access the situation. I like to think the Royals
team speed starts with the Cutman (I don't know how many times the
Cutman has heard, "are you finished already?". When it
comes to having a camera attached to the Cutman's toque, any footage
would best be used for a new reality show the Cutman has been trying
to sell to the networks, "Royalamaniac Chickens Gone Wild".
This idea has been a tough sell though, (Barrett's "Ho Train"
hasn't been seen at many games this year), anyways a toque mess's
the Cutman's hair. Thanks again for your input and keep those ideas
coming. See you at the rink.
Dear Cutman, I usually don't like to bug
the Cutman more than once a year for advice...but I couldn't help
myself when I saw the Royal killed off 19 powerplays in one game!
Against the River Kings nonetheless. That is pretty amazing. As
a fan of all the PKers out there, since I didn't see the game, I
would imagine there was some good goaltending, hard work and of
course, a lot of blocked shots. I know the Royal use real pucks
when they practice blocking shots in practice. Does the Cutman cringe
and prepare for the worst, scissors and gauss in hand, or does he
smile gleefully because he knows results like this (19) will make
all those bruises feel much much better after they're paired with
two points. Good luck in the playoffs.
hear from you P. Killer, as an old Royal penalty killer, you remember
the long hours of PK practice (with the real pucks). Not once did
the coaching staff ask you to block a shot with your face (did you
hear that Chris Marsh). The proper slide has you getting the puck
in a well padded area of your body, that does not mean that the
Royal round bellys are round because they are shot blockers. The
Cutman never cringes when anything happens, on or off the ice, bruises
are easily taken care of with the all new SCRUB (Super Cutman Rub).
SCRUB is not yet available in stores and is prepared for me by a
highly specialized team of chemists, doctors, botanists and the
cutest damn pharmacist you've ever met (not you Willy). Now, the
question I pose to you P. Killer, why haven't I seen you at any
Royal games. The regular season is winding down and wouldn't it
be nice to get to know the 2005/06 Royals before the playoffs start.
As an alumni you will benefit from some great perks at home games,
valet parking, special alumni section with cocktail waitress, special
introduction of the public address system, access to the Room du
Royale, game day media package, access to the pre game tailgate
party and post game coaches meeting (where you can ask the coaches
about the game strategy and adjustments). Sooooo, the puck is in
your zone P. Killer, get out to a game.
Jan. 6/06 Dear
Cutman, I read a great piece in the Journal's
sports section Jan. 5th by Dan Barnes, titled 'Left Coast Losers'.
Although it was a commentary about fans in Vancouver during the
Junior tournament, be could have been in the stands of a some of
the CJHL rinks lately. I quote 2 paragraphs from his article. "Perhaps
it's just the classic mob mentality at play here. If you surround
yourself with Neanderthals you can be sure to lose you hold on civility
the moment things get heated." "So one leather-lunged
clown becomes two, two becomes four, the gloves come off and the
fight takes a dirty turn." He then goes on to say in the last
two paragraphs, "It could be ignorance, poor sportsmanship,
mob mentality or to much beer. It could be a lot of things. It should
just stop." Sorry for my rant Cutman, I really don't have a
question, just some good reading from a guy who says it like it
Great fan of Jr. B Hockey
Oct. 29/05 Dear
Cutman, The Royals have had a good start,
but are you worried that they are peaking to early in the season?
Will this affect them in the long run?
it may concern:
Peaking, shmeaking. The regular season is 36 games long. Finely
tuned athletes will peak and ebb many times during their season.
All we can do is make sure they are fully prepared for each game
and practice. Make sure they take care of their bodies and are aware
that proper rest and nutrition are paramount to a successful season.
The odd team building event doesn't hurt either. So, be happy with
the Royals start, it is getting us closer to our 1st goal of the
season (making the playoffs). But to be honest, the Royal are only
really good at peeking down blouses and up skirts. --See you next
Oct. 26/05 Dear
Cutman, Despite the recent Royal loss
to Sherwood Park, most Royalamaniacs are very happy with the start
of the 05/06 campaign. A 7-1 start is quite impressive. But this
is nothing new. It seems to be a yearly occurrence for the Royal,
can the Cutman reveal any secrets to the fast start the Royal annually
put together and can any of this advice carry over to other areas
of life away from the friendly confines of Confederation Arena.
I know the Cutman prides himself on preparation. Is this the key
to early season success? If so, what other things do you prepare
for when it comes to the daily dangers associated with being an
Edmonton icon of sorts.
great to hear from old Royalamaniacs. You must remember back when
you donned the Royals green and black with gold, (and won a provincial
championship), how many times did I tell the team....... Failing
to prepare is preparing to fail. Mental and physical preparation
should be your daily routine. The Royal fast start can be attributed
to well prepared practices, pregame meetings and a focused team
of Royals. The Cutman (Edmonton's icon of sorts) preparation starts
each day by finishing the little gift left for him by the drink
fairy. So, the only advice I can give to you is "the time it
takes to prepare is never wasted", unless you have something
more important to do. Hope to see you around the rink.
Oct. 19/05 Hey
Cutman, The other day at my Wolverine
game, one of my forward's was complaining of a headache, the question
is; I was able to track down a Tylenol and I was about to give it
to him when my assistant coach pointed out to me that this was not
a good practice because it would mask the pain if an another injury
was to occur. Is this true??
you for this very good question. Tylenol or Aspirin are excellent
products to use to handle the little aches and pains that occur
during life and your assistant coach made a very good point. Monitoring
your athletes carefully during games and practices will help you
to make the dispensing decision easier. Was the head ache caused
by a fall, hit or some other mishap? If so, further observation
and maybe a trip to emergency is in order. If not, one Tylenol would
not be a problem. But having said that, if you athletes are minors,
permission from their guardian is strongly recommended. If symptoms
persist an appointment with the athlete's family doctor is necessary.
Oct. 17/05 Dear
Cutman, I'm still suffering with Epistaxis.
I took your advice and went to Zaychkowsy Pharmacy and Veterinarian's
Supplies. I told him about your suggestion. He gave me a box with
very large pills that looked like bullets and said I should use
one for the nose bleeds and one for the hemorrhoids once a day.
For three weeks I took them faithfully even thou they tasted awful.
For all the good they did, I might as well stuffed them up my nose
and arse. Any other suggestions.
the Red Baron
have gotten half the directions correct. Going to your local Pharmacy
and getting the prescription filled. I see Zeb Zaychkowsy gave you
the popular Lone Ranger brand of suppository, better known as the
silver bullet. The silver bullet is best used when you sit on it,
but not as effective when put up your nose (it makes it hard to
breathe). Preparation H in liquid form is better for the nasal application.
Hopefully these new instruction will give you some better relief.
Oct. 16/05 Dear
Cutman, Last Thursday I made a special
trip to Fort. Sask. To watch the first place Royals play. I was
totally in awe of your ingenuity with your ice slippers. I noticed
you were having a very difficult time keeping the left one on. Then
you came out after the first period and danced across the ice, with
what else, duct tape attached to the slipper. Great thinking. A
man of your obvious above average intelligence must have many other
great uses for duct tape. I'm always looking for new and creative
Smith AKA Red Green
AKA RG, You
are a very observant spectator. Back in the day, when the Royals
were wondering how we were going to pay for the next Ref's bill
(usually we paid these bills by cashing in our empty Old Mill cans),
duct tape was used for everything from closing a gaping cut on a
Royalamaniac, caused by an errant puck or repairing a tear on a
pair of hockey pants. Duct tape is still an important tool in the
Cutman's arsenal. At last night's game, I used a piece of duct tape
to repair a rip in my Cutman jacket. Duct tape is even good around
the house.... I've used it to put my dog's ear back in place after
a nasty altercation at the off leash park. Cutman's old Vista Cruiser
had a least a roll and a half of duct tape holding it together and
duct tape is approved by the Alberta Insurance Bureau and the Alberta
Motor Association. Sooooo, the uses of duct tape are endless and
only limited by your imagination.
Dear Cutman, Can you
help me with a very serious medical problem of mine. I suffer from
I have seen you treat this condition on the bench many times. However,
I'm not that excited about the prospect of your greased up index
finger coming anywhere close to this body. I tried to find your
best selling Cutman Manual and found it to be completely sold out
at all book stores. Any advise?
The Red Baron
Red, Epistaxis......bloody nuisance
or ominous sign? Bleeding noses should never be taken lightly. There
are several ways to stop this annoying
problem. In the heat of battle, the Cutman always recommends his
special ointment applied to the nares (external opening in the nasal
cavity of a vertebrate; a nostril). This means a generous portion
of the salve, placed on the tip of the baby finger and then inserted
in to the nostril and rotated around to the second knuckle. Bleeding
usually stops immediately. But, if my finger scares you and you
don't have some of the Cutman's patented "Nose Bleed Away",
go to you local pharmacist and get a tube of Preparation H. Preparation
H is used to shrink blood vessels at the other end of your body
and will work in your nose also. Don't tell anyone about the P-H
treatment, because people will start calling you names ...Like "hey,
asshole" of "hey, hemorrhoid nose". Sooooo, good
luck with your problem and take care of yourself.
Dear Cutman, How can
I become Cutman junior? I understand that the position may be opening
up because of a situation involving a black toe. The season is fast
approaching and I need to know.
a Cutman Jr. is not an easy task. Many scholars have posed the question
"Is having Cutman instincts, nature or nurture?" To be
honest the jury is still out on this one. All I can say to you is,
try to walk a mile in the Cutman's shoes (I wear a size 11 EE).
Sure everyone sees the flashy Cutman tending to a fallen Royalamaniac.
Bolting across the ice with cat like speed and agility and having
the necessary remedy or concoction in his Cutman Utility Satchel
(look for the official CUS at a Wal Mart near you). If you're serious
about becoming a Cutman Jr., follow him around.....but don't follow
him to close (it makes the Cutman nervous). Watch how he handles
the little, day to day situations, the things that just seem to
magically get done. Packing the perfect snow pail, repairing a glove
or shoulder pad with the skill of a South Asian seamstress, negotiating
extra ice time and playing the ideal tunes during a practice, checking
to see if the opposing team is playing with a legal roster, knowing
that when working the defense gate that it's 2 in and 2 out. These
are just a few of the countless Cutman duties. If I haven't scared
you off and you're still interested, please fill out a Cutman Jr.
application form (forms will be available on the Royals web site).
Forms must be notarized and accompanied with 3 references and a
flat of beer (the flat of beer is a processing fee and will not
be returned). Good Luck!
Jan. 31/05 Dear
Cutman, Dennis where are you when we need
you? Excruciating skull cramps every morning!! As the team can't
afford to send you down to help - please analyze and post on net.
Awaiting your wise words - while sitting on the beach, with the
ocean in the background and the pounding of the waves - or my head.
Sideshow is back.
In my professional opinion it's time for drastic action. Your malady
can be cured by 3 simple steps: 1. A concoction of hops, barley,
yeast and mountain fresh water. 2. Unfertilized chicken descendants
marinated in acetic acid. 3. Vitamins R,O,Y,A,L,S. You must consume
large quantities of these STAT. But not alone - oh no! That would
be disastrous. You must include as many Royalamaniacs as financially
possible. Then take 2 aspirin and call me in the morning.
- What the hell were you doing in Mexico without the Cutman anyway?
KNOW WHY HE WON'T RESPOND TO OUR QUESTIONS!!
Dec. 26/04 Dear
Cutman, I, as well as all the other world wide Royalamaniacs
are concerned for your health. Where have you been? Is there a reason
that you don't help us in need anymore? Have you given up your title
as "SELF PROCLAIMED MAN OF ANSWERS"? Is it that unknown
mustard problem? So many questions and never any answers.
Aug. 11/04 Dear
Cutman, I understand from your exercise
background that you could be a specimen of biblical proportions.
How do you know when to say when? I want to be fit when Royal camp
starts but I don't want people pointing fingers at me because I
also could be a Greek god type. Does cross training (no not cross
dressing, you may be able to pull that off but I don't want to even
try) work and is there anything you recommend, not Putt Bo it sounds
you find Putt Bo not right for you that is OK. There are many exercise
programs available to put your body in tip top condition. The perfect
dry land/wet water program for Junior hockey players is Dragon Boat
racing. This sport is run during hockey's off season and is great
for increasing your cardio and improving your upper body and core
strength.. It's also a great place to meet chickens and the participants
are not against having a pop and socializing. Your local dragon
boat club can fill you in on the details. The sport also has fun
with clothing and make-up, so it could help you deal with your cross
dressing phobia. Hope this is helpful.
Aug. 9/04 Dear
Cutman, After reading your column I noticed
that you are experienced with the use of cold cream, does this mean
that you know all kinds of uses for cream (in it's many forms)?
The only one that really matters is the sticky one - ice cream of
course. Can it be built into a daily program to make me Royal fit?
are a important part of the Cutman's arsenal. I have special concoctions
from the 4 corners of the world and I use them to keep the Royals
pain free and ready to play. I have had many people ask me how they
can incorporate ice cream into their daily training schedule. Ice
cream is a beautiful dessert and excellent when smeared on you favorite
chicken but unfortunately, it's not a very good part of getting
Royal hockey fit. Ice cream is perfect if what you are trying to
get into is Royal coaching staff fit. Soooo, decide what part of
Royal fit you want to be in and fill your boots.
If you have a question to 'ask the Cutman,' please forward it to