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Cutman Corner Archives



July 23/04 Dear Cutman, I see that you are great in all areas of advice so I thought, that as one of the many round belly Royalamaniacs, I should be asking you about your last reply. What do you know about the consequences of combining the cold cream and paint thinner as a way to reduce ones roundness of bellyness? Could this be used as an alternative to Putt Bo?

Signed: Jiggling in Jasper

Dear Jiggling: Sadly, I must tell you I was sick the day my remedial chemistry class did the infamous cold cream/paint thinner experiment. It's just as well, as there was some sort of explosion and the science wing of Cutman Composite High School was closed for the remainder of the school year. Besides, hasn't The Cutman always preached that weight loss fads, quick fixes and revolutionary diets well never take the place of good healthy eating and a serious Putt Bo exercise plan. Putt Bo is still your best bet to beating the round belly. Thanks for your letter and remember, a healthy diet requires the consumption of plenty of fluids (that means beer).

July 20/04 Hi Cutman, I've just popped into the Royal web page and couldn't stop laughing. What is it with you male model types (you know what I mean), you get all the limelight and still you want more. How can you help us all to become a little bit more advantaged like you. More importantly I personally tried your little face paint and it seemed to work like a charm, until the next morning and I tried to wash it off. It's been 3 days with no luck cleaning and it hasn't worked for the last 2 days on the ladies. Things have to change quickly. HELP!!!

Signed: stained in Royalland

Dear Stained: It seems you're in a bit of a pickle. The face paint is a great way to meet the ladies, but you must use the proper face enhancer. Stage make-up is what should be used (barn paint, although waterproof and rich in colour, is too hard to get off your face the next day errrr, for the month). A little cold cream will remove most make-ups but paint thinner will be needed for your situation. Hope your able to meet and greet the ladies soon.

Mar.23/04 Dear Cutman, tell me oh wise one. What do you do to keep yourself busy, in between all your sporting lives? I know I will be able to use this advice to good advantage. Because, after all, look at yourself in the mirror. You don't look anything like the picture to the right, it's like you have found a fountain of youth. I mean all the discoloring in your face has healed up and your forehead came back.

Signed: looking for help in Lloyd.

Dear Looking for help in Lloyd: I have not found the fountain of youth, but what I have found is, if you wash your face with warm water and a good soap, most any kind of theatrical make-up will come off. What I have also found is keeping busy (in either another sport or hobby) will deep your mind and body razor sharp. Drinkin....done correctly, can be considered a sport. A little side note, after I eventually removed all the dragon boat make-up from my face, I found my forehead seems to go on forever....Oh well. Hope this will be of some assistance and remember, "idle hands are the devils workshop".

Feb 20/04 Dear Cutman, You know when you go out and have a good time, you must being that you are the Cutman, and wake up the next day not knowing all that you should. Then you look down and you see blood. It's all over your shirt and you get scared and call the cops, but before they come you see the burger wrappers all over the place and you realize what's on you might not be blood. Then you wake up and see a trophy that has been taken apart. Can you help me with my dream, that seemed so real, and what should I do with trophy parts.

SIGNED UP IN THE AIR IN EDMONTON

DEAR UP IN THE AIR IN EDMONTON: WOW, I'm so glad I took that correspondence course, last summer, Psychoanalysis - Dreams (What are they good for). What I learned was, dreams don't always have a hidden meanings. Sometimes, you sub conscience is just messing with you. Your dream, sounds like a dream within a dream and those are really neat. Psychologists love those, they get to charge twice the going rate because it's like analyzing a schizophrenic (twice the work...hehehe). So, my suggestion to you is, stay away from your late night snacks. Something you ate is obviously causing your deep sleep state or REM, to work overtime. Cut out the midnight noshing and I'm sure everything will be A-OKAY. As for the disassembled trophy, and what to do with it's parts. Number 1 read the plaque and see what the trophy is for. Number 2, try to reassemble the unit and send it back to the organizing committee (if it is an annual trophy)... if that doesn't work, put all the pieces in a box and send it back anyway (do not put a return address on the package). I hope this has been some help to you. Good luck in the future and I hope you get many trophies.

Dear UP IN THE AIR:

Feb 6/04 Mr. Cutman, First things first!! Why is it every time I run into you or see pictures of you, you are wearing makeup or a wig? I know that allot of people have come out of the closet, but never thought that a Royalamaniac even knew what a closet was? Why do we not see the Cutman on the bench anymore, is that because your defencemen are to fat? And I thought you taught these guys how to fight, not turtle? (I mean you are a very intimidating person, and if you players are a reflection of your teaching, even THEBOMB can go a few rounds with you!!) As a past fan of the Royals I have to give up support if the Royals continue in this manner, I mean they are playing Hockey are they not?? Are the Royals sponsoring Waterpolo next year?

Ashamed X Royalamaniac, THEBOMB

Dear THEBOMB: It's great to hear from you bombie, for future reference, because of space and time restrictions, Ask the Cutman has a 3 question limit. I've sweet talked my editor and the lovely Miss Cutman has allowed me to answer all 7 of your queries. Before I get started, I'd like to say how honored I am to be answering questions from thebomb. Anything associated with your name has nothing to do with questions.... just allot of your ideas, thoughts, musing, notions, impressions, observations, concepts, ramblings, warriorisms and the like. Well enough preamble, question #1, the Cutman has never worn a wig. I have been confused with Angus Love (from Glasgow), the cousin of Royals coach Kent Love. Angus has made special trips across the pond, to join the Royals in celebration of winning the provincials, playing a round of golf in the Royals annual tournament or quaffing a beer at a team get together. Question #2, as far as the makeup goes, that is part of my summer fitness training program. During the off season (and there is stuff to do when hockey is over), the Cutman participates in Putt-Bo and Dragon Boat racing. These keep my solarplexs looking like a 6 pack rather than a bubba. Question #3, all Royalamaniacs know what a closet is and what they're used for and the only time you come out of the closet is if you're lucky enough to have a walk in model. Question #4, the Cutman is a very busy fellar at Royals games, I'm involved with music, security, fundraising and crowd control, plus the usual stuff that a regular Cutman does during the game. Question #5, what is your obsession with turtles, were you a closet "Touche Turtle" fan as a little bomb and I'll bet you can't wait for Christmas or your birthday, so you can open your gift box of turtles. Question #6..... question #6 is really not a question, is it not? Question #7,???? Thanks for writing in,


Jan.26/04 Hi Cutman, I know that you are a man about the world, by the way you look in your picture, so I believe that you can help me - both on and off the ice. I haven't been able to get it up lately. It seems every time that I go to the net the puck doesn't come up. I seem to be making all the right moves and put myself is a position to score but I haven't been able to finish. I have lost allot of my confidence but I will not stop trying. I guess it is up to you to send me in all alone with the right thought in my mind. Oh ya why do girls wear nets.

Signed OUT of my hands

Dear Out of my Hands: Well, a while back, I also suffered from this problem. I found the solution to this sometimes embarrassing situation, is simple. Stop pulling your goalie prior to the game. Pulling your goalie can sometimes take the sting out of your punch and leave you with a weak stick. Sooooo, if the finish is what you are interested in, leave your goalie alone and let your partner play with your stick. Good luck and happy shooting!

Dec. 5/03 Dear Cutman, With the Christmas season fast approaching us and our summer cloths already fitting rather snuggle - you have always talked about putt-bo but never have you finished your thoughts on this game or style or whatever it means (but I need to lose weight). I have a hot date coming to town around the time of the Royals Christmas party and just in case she sees me later that night and I am passed out (with my picture on the Internet, thanks Pat) I want to be sure that she takes advantage of me in my altered state. Can you please HELP!!

Signed: hoping to get some in e-town

Dear Hoping, In your question to the Cutman, you said OUR summer cloths are already fitting rather snuggle....who is our????? do you have a mouse in your pocket????The 1st thing you must do is take ownership for your body...there is no our, Mr. Hoping, just you. Asking the Cutman is the first step to getting your body under control. Putt-Bo is a strenuous 8 1/2 minute a day work out, filled with lifting heavy things, running, mental exercises, low impact/high output and high impact/low output training methods, state of the art equipment (that you can find at the dollar store) and a cool down period that is very important. This entire workout program can be found on e-bay in both DVD and Video formats or you can look for them on an infomercial station near you. If you can not find my exercise program, just buy yourself a larger winter wardrobe. I hope this will help you in your quest for the perfect Cutman body.

Nov. 26/03 Dear Cutman, I noticed, in a recent Cutman appearance on Scoro, that not only do you have a problem with shooting the puck drastically right, but you also have a beautiful stride while running on the ice. Do you credit this to you special ice-walking contraptions? Or is this the result of hours of strenuous strength and balance training? I admire your skill and I want to know how I too can someday gallivant so gracefully on the rink.

Sincerely, Shoeless "Terrace Warawa has never stopped one of my shots in practice" Sprinter

You notice many things oh Shoeless One. I would like to blame my feeble attempt last Friday to the borrowed twig I used, the lack of practice or the maybe severe flu that I had at the time of Scoro, for my wayward shots....but alas I can not. The fact of the matter is, Scoro is the only thing in the world (that I'm aware of) that the Cutman is not that good at (perhaps in part because of my cutman shoes). During a game .... shooting the puck is not an important skill for the Cutman to have....but running on the ice to take care of an injured Royalamaniac, is very important skill. So I practice etc. Having the balance of a jungle cat doesn't hurt either. Soooooo, if you want to learn this skill, you can purchase the Cutman's exercise work out DVD "CUT-BO" and practice, practice, practice.

Nov20/03 Dear Cutman, Your recent 8-2, or should I say 7-2 according to CJHL Web site, victory over the Strathcona Sabres has me worried. Are you afraid you could be alienating the Royalamaniacs in the County of Strathcona? There is word disgruntled Sabre fans could take revenge on young Royalamaniacs in the Ardrossan and New Sarepta area later this week, looking to retaliate out of frustration. I think the Royals should set up a possible trust fund for compensation to all Strathconca County Royalamaniacs, even the ones in Tofield, to my disgust. What do you think Cutman? I know you are an economics wizard and I feel your expertise could be vital to keeping the continued growth of Royalamaniacs around the rural areas of Alberta. Signed, Concerned Rural Royalamaniac

Dear Rural,

This is a very good question Concerned Rural, the Royals have actually set up a safe house for single chicken Royalamaniacs. It is in a secret location in Edmonton and is open 24/7, to help the fairer sex Royalamaniacs get over difficult times. If this safe house idea takes off, I will look to expand out to all the surrounding Edmonton communities.....Stony Plain, St. Albert, Beaumont, Wetaskiwin, Sherwood Park, Morinville, Spruce Grove and Leduc. As far as financing such an endeavor, I've had to dip into my stash of empty Old Mill cans. I'm looking to get some government grants, but that will take time. Thank you for your concern, Concerned Rural Royalamaniac.

Nov18/03 Dear Cutman, I've always respected your opinion so here I am asking for help. I have been living in Edmonton for over 2 years and never had to depend on roommates, that is until now. I don't have a lot of bed space so it looks like the hid abed will be a house bed. Help me oh wise one. How many roommates should I get and should size matter? Signed, Hungry in Edmonton

Hey, hey Hungry,

As a graduate of Interior Design from the University of Winnipeg, I have lots of ideas on how to improve your living space. Depending on your room configuration, a hid abed or futon could be the way to go. Both the hid abed and futon come in many sizes from a single bed all the way up to a queen. I would not recommend putting more than 2 people in any size of these beds, (unless you are a member of one of those swingy clubs...... then anything goes). As far as size of your roommate goes, well many things have to taken into consideration, a) size of your food budget, b) size of your living space, and finally c) size of your car (in case you have to ferry this person around.....remember, if you're going to date a big girl, you better drive a big car). I hope this has been helpful and let me know how it goes.

Dear Cutman, I noticed on the Royals website that you are affiliated with Old Milwaukee amongst other things. Have you not been able to get a Canadian affiliate (ie-Molson Canadian) or one that has the almighty beaver as it's symbol (Sleeman's)? If not, it would appear that you are promoting the American way as the right way, and we all know that the Canadian way as well as Canadian beer is better.

Signed, M. Olson

Dear M. Olson,

It is a real pleasure to get such an intelligent question from a Royalamaniac. Usually I'm helping my readers decide what to wear for Hallowe'en or their first big date (it's occasionally the same outfit...oops, Royalamaniac's don't wear outfits). Anyway, have you ever heard of NAFTA. The Royals have always been on the cutting edge of the Canadian economics scene. The Royals Hockey Club is trying to single handedly turn Canada's economy around. Besides, when Old Mill was imported, we got 10 cents a can for empties. A wise Royalamaniac once said "if I ever win the lottery, I'm going to buy a million dollars worth of Old Mill and live off the empties". Thank you for your question and remember, it's way better to be Canadian, than red, white and blue.

Hey Cutman, Having been a Royalamaniac for several years now (at least since Arnie Miller began helping out), I have a question for you. What happens if during the course of a game, for some sad, tragic reason, you, the Cutman, were to get cut by an errant puck or an accidental high stick from one of the players on the bench, who would patch you up?

Sincerely, Hy Stick

Dear Hy Stick,

Thank you for the question and I notice from your e-mail you have spent more time on the bus going to school, then on the bus going to the rink. Your punctuation, grammar and spelling is near perfect. Now to your question, there has been only one occasion when the Cutman has been injured on the bench....well actually, on the way to the bench. The incident appended like this, while watching an exciting Royals game in the stands of the Clairewiew Arena, I had to hurry to get to the bench because of an injury to a playing Royalamaniac. Enroute, I walked straight into a pillar, the resulting collision left me with a nasty gash on my nose and I'm sure a dent in the pillar. When I reached the bench, I took care of the player and then repaired my own injury. Barring a situation that would leave me in a unconscious state, I can take care of my own injuries, besides I don't trust most of the Royals coaching staff..... I've seen where their hands have been. Thanks again Hy and see you around the rink.

Dear cuttman: I have started my new career and I have always been looking for a role model like yourself - you know someone I could pattern my life after. Thanks for letting me follow you around. But I have to know. WHY OH Why do you have to drive such a big car

signed - the kid with the soft hands

Dear Kid:

Thank you for the great compliment, but I wish as you are following me around you, wouldn't get in the way sooooo much and stop following me into the washroom...... that's my private time. Anyway regarding the Vista Cruiser, you will find as you get older you will acquire more stuff and your situation my dictate that you can't keep this stuff at home..... sooooo you need a place to store your stuff and that's where the Vista Cruiser comes in. It's also great for transporting all my friends big and small. Also Kid, don't be afraid to use the spell and grammar check that comes with you computer.

Looking forward to seeing you around the rink--- Cutman


Dear Cutman
I noticed in your picture, you have tried to conceal your identity with face paint. Does this mean you have legal problems or is it like everyone thinks and this is done so the mobs of females, ‘size doesn’t matter’ will give you time to yourself, so you can take care of all your world wide cutman duties – or have I said too much about those duties? Signed 10 days and counting

Great to hear from 10 Days. By the way what does 10 days stand for….Christmas is only 7 days away. Could you be the member of some cult or subversive organization that is really hung up on numbers? Any who, the reason for the face paint is my participation in the witness protect program. The damn federal government had placed in a Maori Colony (native people of New Zealand); I had requested a nudist colony (group of people who don’t wear clothes). I guess the government bureaucrats in our penal system, couldn’t read my writing. It turns out the Maori women have a thing for running around bare naked anyway. I was only allowed to stay a short while because the Maori chief had a problem with me wandering around the colony in my thong. Have a nice Christmas.

December 14th, 2002

Dear Cutman:

My God, I don't know how lost I would be if it wasn't for the sound advice I receive from you. My life is finally taking shape, just like my body. I have been trying to take the salt out of my diet like you suggested, but I can't find the kind that you can replace it with, while still drinking. So that's out, now I need to know what strategy you are planning to use at this year's All Star games - yes both of them. We, your loyal followers need direction in the planning department. Thirsty in Edmonton

Dear Thirsty Fella:
Great to hear from you again....and thanks for the updates. I get a real feeling to satisfaction when I hear that my advice is being heeded and doing some good, I makes my day. regarding the salt thingy, try salted caesars, margaritas, etc, your still getting some salt but because of the alcohol, you don't care. Well you are correct, All Star season is fast approaching. I like to take a trip down to the AMA and wander through their road map department. There are sooooo many different routes to take when you're on a road trip. All ways plan ahead, remember, failing to plan is planning to fail. Your trip should include many stops to replenish the snack box, fill your body with vital fluids, enjoy the local hospitality and check on directions (sometimes your co-pilot is asleep or has misplaced the cool maps you picked up). It's important to make sure your DD has enough diet Pepsi, you don't want to get him upset. In pasted road trips we have tried to get back to Side Shows roots northeast of Ft. Sask, wandered aimlessly around the City of Edmonton and last year we checked on the Cutman's old swimming and fishing hole. This year maybe you should try a trip southeast, and see if we can spring a royalamaniac from his recent confines. As far as the second All Star game in Lloyd, I'm leaving the planning to the Bigwigs of the CJ in the ivory tower. Remember, when on a road trip drink plenty of fluids, eat lots of salty snacks, don't forget your AMA maps and have fun stamping around Alberta.


Dear Cutman:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you really a cutman by trade or did you inherit the skill? I've heard that these skills can be passed on from one to another - maybe if the guy was low-on-nickels! Anyways my question to you 'O mighty one of all answers is, if your buddy has been offered something but has always told you that he wouldn't go unless it was a package deal, should he still go?? Low Ridin in Calder

Dear Ridin Low:
Your musings are very profound, there are 2 schools of thought regarding the acquisition of cutman skills. The first being inherited, you know, through the genes. That's when, the moment after you're born (a bouncing baby cutman Jr.), you actually cut the umbilical cord for the doctor (this would show inherited cutman tendencies). The 2nd school of thought is you pick up the cutman ability from your environment or learn the skills necessary from an accredited cutman school. I, luckily inherited the cutman skill, but, I'm always trying to stay on the cutting edge of cutman technology (as it were) by taking courses, attending cutman conferences and listening to my cutman audio tapes while I sleep. As for your buddy and his dilemma, his word is his bond. If he can put it all together with the package deal, then he should go......if he can't work the package deal, then stay. He's probably having more fun where he is anyways. I hope this is of some assistance and remember the best package deal is a brightly wrapped package deal under the Christmas tree with your name on it.

Dear Cutman:
I find it difficult to ride on the bus going to any major hockey event without over imbedding. Could this be a genetic trait or a bad personality disorder or perhaps a problem associated with associates? Any answers or drink recipes would be appreciated. This situation generally heightened on out of province trips. Grizzled R.S. Calmar

Dear Grizzly:
Great to hear from you again. I'm glad I took that correspondents course on genealogy. This course was offered on the back of a match book cover and after completing the course I got a real nifty certificate that's suitable for framing. Any who, as an amateur genealogist/investigative reporter, I feel your problem is a combination of genetic traits, bad personality disorder and your associates. All I can suggest is for you to buy my book "So you think you have a problem - 1001 drink recipes to make the bus trip shorter". This book is only available where fine Royals Wear is sold. Have fun on your next bus trip and remember to keep a fresh supply of ice.

Dear Cutman:
Someone who knows lots of stuff, like you, must be able to answer or help me in my quest. When you go into the corner how can you tell if she is a goof or just goofy? Sorry if that goofy comment struck a cord, but I wasn't sure if that was anyone's nick name or not. Slumming around Town

Dear Around:
You may not know this, but I was a finesse player and never went into the corners. As for telling whether she is a goof or just goofy, ask to see her Goof Troop membership card. If she has one, she's a goof, if she doesn't have one, she's probably just plain goofy. What's she doing in the corner by herself, anyway? Either way never look directly into her eyes....this has a tendency to set them off and you won't be prepared for what will happen next.


November 8th, 2002

Dear Cutman,

You are really the all knowing. Thanks for the help, but more stress has come into my life. I was watching the Iron Chef the other night and the main course was about spineless jellyfish. This made me want to puke just thinking about cooking a jellyfish and the stench it must make. Anyways, I digress, while watching the Iron Chef with a few close Royalamaniacs, Sideshow asked "what type of martini would go with deep fried spineless jellyfish?" Thristy in Edmonton

Hey Thristy Guy, I'm glad to here your television has more channels than TSN and the Playboy Channel and sorry to hear about the stress. I wish I would have been a fly on the wall of your palatial entertainment center that night, oh what the conversation must have sounded like. "Gee how dry would a martini have to be to mask the taste of that jellyfish" asks Sideshow. "Well, pretty dry I'm sure" replies Thristy. "I'll bet you'd have to have a whack of jalapenos, too" agrees Sideshow. "Talking about jalapenos" interrupts Thristy "let's get the Chicken to make us some nachos." "Great idea Thristy, while you're at it see what's on the Playboy Station" adds Sideshow.....and so it goes. Well Sideshow is correct, a very dry martini is best served with deep fried spineless jellyfish. You would just wave the open bottle of vermouth over the martini glass (careful not to get any in the glass) and add 3 olives. The olives would also be inserted with the very so tasty jalapeno. Then comes the gin/vodka, which ever you prefer. Remember the gin/vodka must be shaken not stirred. If you were serving sauteed spineless jellyfish, I would serve Retcina, a white wine made in Greece out of pine bark. I kinda tastes like chewing on a hockey stick. I hope this answers your question Thristy and remember television is a great educational tool and the perfect baby sitter for the little uns when you want to catch a little shut eye or quiet time with the Chicken.


October 25th, 2002

Dear Cutman:

Thanks for your scouting help, I've tried it and it works - unless you go 5 days in a row. With the snow this week it has got my heart wishing for ice fishing. My question to you all mighty one, is how large of a circle must you pace out for the official NO SH_T zone. Thirsty in Edmonton

Well Thirsty one, where do you find the time? Scouting for several sports can keep anyone very busy, especially those 5 day scouting marathons, but it's great to see you have a hobby. Firstly, when you arrive at you favorite fishing spot, carry all your gear and paraphernalia out to the lucky spot (I call it the strike zone). Set up your area, making sure all your best lures and refreshments are within easy reach. Next, comes the only rule in the ice fishing community....the NO SH_T ZONE...if you were. The general rule of thumb is approximately 15 ft. for every fisherperson. Stick your thumb in your mouth, the remove it and stick it in the air. This will tell you which way the wind is blowing (you may want to make the circle a little oblong on the windward side). Sooooo, on your next fishing trip, remember, drink plenty of fluids, lure presentation is paramount when catching the big one, dress warm (sometimes hockey pants can cut the wind and keep you dry) and enjoy the great outdoors.

October 15th, 2002

Dear Cutman:

You seem to know something about everything important, so here it goes. Every time I go out scouting a game, the sport doesn't matter, my head and body hurt for 2 days, it is like I played in these games. What am I doing wrong? Thirsty from Edmonton

Well, Thirsty, as a practicing amateur dietician/investigative reporter, I have done lengthy research on this subject. I have found that most scouts in sports today are not following what they preach to their athletes. Nutrition is the most important word in an active scouts vocabulary. A busy scout rarely has time for a snack and a coffee, this is wrong. I feel if you drink plenty of fluids, eat many small meals (always eat something soft, it goes down smooth and easy), stay away from dairy products and deep fried jellyfish (they come up lumpy) and did I mention drink plenty of fluids. If you forget this, I have a simple word to help you remember the word RICE, R - dRink plenty of fluids, I - stay away from daIry, C - Consume small amounts of soft foods, E - Enjoy the game. As far as your body feeling sore after scouting, you should take better care of yourself.


Dear Cutman,

I didn't know where else to turn, then a friend said, "Hey man, try the Cutman, he knows everything!" So here my problem; ever since Kim Bassinger dumped that moron Baldwin she won't leave me alone! Calls every day flowers, sex, gifts, trips, did I mention sex. God, I'm only human. How do I tell her I just want to be friends without breaking he heart? I know you've probably been through this hundreds of times, women throwing themselves at your feet and such, soooo, what do I do?
Signed Unluckly

Okay Unlucky, if I had a nickel every time someone has asked me this question, I'd be a rich cutman. The answer I've given to everyone is simple. Ms Bassinger is obviously a troubled human being, capable of unspeakable acts. You must change your phone number, change you identity, change your appearance (maybe make an appointment with Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon), change your address and while your at it change your clothes (Elton John is having a garage sale next week). When out in public, walk with a limp, when alone in your house never open the curtains and never, never use the same bus twice. You are no longer the majestic hunter, you are now the hunted.


September 20th, 2002

Dear Cutman:

I'm a longtime reader of Cutman Corner, but never thought I would be writing in to Ask the Cutman.....until yesterday.

Where to start, firstly my job takes me out of town a lot. But, I can get Cutman Corner on the Royals website, where ever I am thanks to Cory W. at coryw.com. Anyways, I'm driving down one of those lonely hiways, in the middle of the night, to a mining project in God knows where. Today, there's a major situation and I have to check the polarity on a alternator that's attached to a AD55 Underground Articulating Truck, because some bonehead got the booster cables crossed when the tried to jump start it last week, but that's another story. Soooo, I'm driving and humming along to a Meryl or Johnny or Scott LaDue's 8 Track I got playing in the stereo hi-fi and the same question kept going through my head.....do you think the stuff that happens to those guys who write in to Penthouse Forum is real? Grizzled Old RS from Calmar

Dear Grizzly from Calmar:

Thanks for taking a second out of your busy day/night to ask that question. It must be important to our readers, because your question was actually the 8th letter received on the Penthouse Forum topic this week. I've done some pretty extensive research on this subject and consider myself somewhat of an expert. My library contains all the issues from years 1989 thru to 2002. As a young man, living at my parents home, I used to keep many of my magazines under my mattress, for easy accessibility and also, so they would stay in pristine condition. I know that Penthouse is a reputable publisher with only the highest standards in journalism and ever Forum letter is checked and double checked for it's authenticity. I know this because they haven't printed one of my letters.....yet.